


LeChuck's Mistake

by txorakeriak



Category: Monkey Island, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Navigator Head, Swashbuckling Machine, insult swordfighting, rubber chickens, zombie pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 05:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txorakeriak/pseuds/txorakeriak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain LeChuck’s crew mistakes Elizabeth for Elaine and Will learns about other islands’ strange habits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	LeChuck's Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after “The Curse of Monkey Island” and "The Curse of the Black Pearl".

"Arrr, ye scurvy landlubbers! Governor, I said! Not Governor’s daughter!”  
  
The two skeletal crewmembers trembled in fear, too scared to even _think_ of a reply, as their Captain's angry voice boomed through the room. They would have happily disintegrated into a motionless pile of bones on the floor if that had meant escaping their captain's wrath.  
  
But LeChuck had other plans for them. He hadn't become a fearsome pirate by fiddling his thumbs. Maintaining a reputation like this required a sturdy dispoition and the readiness to do things that ordinary people couldn't accomplish. Or survive, but that was the fun part.   
   
***  
  
Somewhere else in the Caribbean, the absence of the aforementioned Governor's daughter was eventually noticed. And after some fuss and hullabaloo, including the slightly familiar “They’ve taken her! They’ve taken Elizabeth!”, Will Turner and Captain Jack Sparrow set sail to rescue the lad’s fiancée.  
  
Jack knew of Captain LeChuck, of course. The rumours that surrounded the famous zombie pirate had quickly spread all over the Caribbean. There was no way of finding out which of them were true and which weren't, but people didn't care as long as they made a good tale. The consensus, however, seemed to be that the infamous captain with his inflammable beard had taken refuge in some remote, hidden location after Guybrush Threepwood, greenhorn and wannabe pirate, had blown up LeChuck’s Carnival of the Damned.

Jack had thought it safe to assume that if anyone knew of the whereabouts of LeChuck (and Elizabeth), it would be said wannabe pirate. So he had set course to south-east by east a quarter east and they sailed straight to Mêlée Island to visit Threepwood and, of course, his beloved Governor Elaine Marley, the woman LeChuck was actually after.  
  
***  
  
Will was the first to enter the Governor’s mansion and in the blink of an eye, he was greeted by the tip of a blade in front of his nose and a quite threatening, “My name is Guybrush Threepwood! Prepare to die!” The glare that accompanied the words made it quite clear that the lanky blond man with the ponytail and the rather casual clothing was serious.  
  
Naturally, young Turner was quick to draw his own sword, but two strong arms kept him from making a move.

“Ya don’t want to be doin’ that, lad,” Jack said with an annoyed sigh. He might have hoped for Will to have learned some valuable lessons during his previous encounters with pirates, but considering the young man's propensity to rashness and his tendency to forgo using his brain, it was no surprise that once again he had managed to make an ass of himself.

Will huffed and pouted. How he hated being patronized by everyone and their mothers! He grudgingly lowered his sword but kept his poise, ready to defend himself if needs be.

Needs weren't. As soon as his adversary caught a glimpse of Jack, his face lit up and he tossed away his sword. “Jack!"  
  
They shook hands heartily.

"Now this is a surprise," Guybrush said, leading them into the parlour and offering them seats.

Jack frowned. "So ya haven't talked to the Voodoo Lady recently?"

“Oh, yes, I have," Guybrush insisted. "She said someone would come. But she always speaks in riddles, so it could have been Captain James Thrush or Captain John Nightingale or whatever. You know how reliable her rubber chicken crossbreeds are.”  
  
Jack laughed. “Aye, that I do.” He threw Will a short glance to make sure the lad wasn’t doing what he did best – in other words, something stupid - which, thankfully, wasn't the case. He appeared to be trying to follow the conversation, but judging by the baffled expression on his face, he didn't succeed. Jack faced Guybrush again. “Ya don’t happen to know where that zombified acquaintance of yers with the burnin’ beard is hidin’ at the moment, do ya?”  
  
“LeChuck?” Guybrush frowned. “I can't say I actively seek his company these days. Actually, thinking about it, I never have. All I know is what Wally told me, but he only heard it from Carla, and Carla had the news from a pirate who can’t speak. Don’t ask. Wally said that LeChuck’s ship was in a lava lake underneath Monkey Island. Makes one wonder how recent that piece of information really is.”  
   
 “Yeah, well,” Jack said, raising from his seat, “then I guess we better be goin’. Aye, Will?”  
  
Guybrush stared at him. “Now wait a minute. You’re not telling me you want to go looking for LeChuck’s ship with that rusty sword of yours?" His brow furrowed even further as he looked at Will. "I’m sure that lad has never been in Smirk’s training.”  
  
Will's blood boiled. “I practice with the blade three hours a day,” he spat at Guybrush, eyes narrowed in fury.  
  
Jack winced and made a face. _Trust the whelp to do something rash._ He pulled young Turner into what he hoped to be a pacifying hug and patted his shoulder for good measure. “Aye, lad, we know, but the clocks tick a little differently in this part of the Caribbean.”  
  
***  
   
After long hours of bargaining, Guybrush Threepwood had agreed to teach Will proper swordfighting.

Jack, in return, had promised to calm down a furious Governor Elaine Marley and to explain to her that saving a young maiden from the evil zombie pirate was slightly more important and pressing than going on a honeymoon with Guybrush. Naturally, Elaine was less than thrilled about her husband having "better things to do than being with his wife", as she called it, and it took all of Jack's charms to soothe her anger. Even when she had finally returned to her daily routine and Jack helped her sort her papers and brochures, the Governor proved to have a worse temper than the Aztec gods. 

The certainty that Guybrush wouldn't find his part of the bargain an easy task to accomplish either was the only thing that helped Jack endure the ordeal of Elaine Marley's company.

The two men had immediately left for Captain Smirk's gym - or what was left of it. Smirk had long abandoned the island, seeking his fortune elsewhere and probably founding thousands of Big Body Pirate Gyms in the process. But his tools were still there, and Guybrush had always been good at figuring out what to do with tools. 

About fifteen minutes and thirty pieces of eight later, they were standing in the training room together, Guybrush behind a weird apparatus with the words THE ULTIMATE SWASHBUCKLING MACHINETM printed on it in golden letters, and Will in front of it.  
  
“Right,” the Captain of the _Sea Cucumber_ said conversationally, unable to suppress a grin at their positions. Only a few years ago, he had been exactly where Will was standing now. “So you know how to use the blade. But here in the Mêlée, it’s not enough to have a sharp blade. You have to have a sharp wit to go with it. If your opponent is wittier than you, you stand no chance, no matter how skilled your hand is."  
   
Will nodded. He didn't understand why the people in the Mêlée insisted on such strange ceremonies, but he had to save Elizabeth, so he had no choice but to listen and learn. “What do I have to say?”  
  
“There are certain insults you can throw at your enemy, and if you’re lucky, he doesn’t know the answer to them and you get a point. After you've won three points, he has no option but to surrender.”  
  
“How can I be sure he will surrender? Since when do pirates fight fair?”  
  
“You’ve never met LeChuck, have you?” Guybrush smiled. “He has a certain effect on pirates. Threatens them with his breath or something. Didn’t work on me when he tried it, I had a cold at the time. But the rest of them are all scared out of their wits - if they'd ever had any. Wits, that is.”  
  
”But what will stop LeChuck from using his breath on me if I confront him? Is he obliged to abide by the rules?”

“No such luck. But you won’t fight him anyway. You'll need the swordfighting lessons for the ships you will encounter on your way to Monkey Island - and believe me, there will be many. They will steal everything you have if you don't know how to beat them, and if they do, you'll have no means to save your lady."

Will gulped.

"I shall lend you the Navigator Head and a necklace," Guybrush continued. "When you reach the entrance to the Caverns of Meat, you'll use the head to find your way to LeChuck's ship.  There, you put on the necklace to stay invisible until you've rescued your bonny lass. There’s no use in fighting LeChuck’s crew or LeChuck himself, they can’t die anyway. I know that. I tried.”  
  
Will sighed. “Somehow I feel like I'm having a déjà-vu.”  
  
Guybrush nodded. "Won't be your last. Trust me. Now, will you attack me?”  
  
“How?”  
  
“With the thing you’re waving around like a feather-duster, maybe?” Guybrush raised an eyebrow. He knew he hadn't exactly covered himself in glory during his first training lesson with Smirk, but he definitely hadn't behaved so amateurishly. And people had still called him a landlubber! What would that make Will Turner? Guybrush seriously wondered why Captain Jack Sparrow put up with the lad at all. He would have to have Jack tell him the story some time.  
   
Will continued not to attack. “You still haven’t told me what I have to say,” he insisted.

Guybrush couldn't deny this. “Right. Well, as I said, there’s a comeback to every result. When I say, _‘I once owned a dog that was smarter than you,’_  then you answer, _‘He must have taught you everything you know.’_ Understood?”  
  
Will nodded slowly. “I guess.”  
  
“Let’s start, then.” Guybrush positioned himself behind the swashbuckling machine and pulled a lever.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
He pulled another lever.  
  
The machine exploded.  
  
"I guess we'll take this outside."  
  
***  
  
When they were both ready, Guybrush with rubber chickens strapped to his back and front - the Voodoo Lady seemed to leave her shop unattended quite often these days - and a cooking pot from the Scumm Bar on his head, the training could begin.  
  
“ _You fight like a dairy farmer_ ,” snarled Guybrush in his best "mightiest pirate in the Caribbean" voice.  
  
“I do not and you know it!”  
  
Guybrush sighed, shaking his head. “No, it won’t work like that. You have to use your imagination! Be creative!”  
  
“Erm… Let me throw you on the manure heap, then?”  
  
”Nooo…”  
  
“Cattle avast?”  
  
Guybrush buried his face in his hands. That man was a hopeless case.  
  
***  
   
In view of Will's lack of talent at insult swordfighting, Jack and Guybrush decided to leave him with Elaine and rescue Elizabeth themselves. Will had protested, of course, but someone had to keep Elaine company (or rather, to suffer her whims and serve as a human punching bag) while Guybrush was gone, and assist her in case Captain LeChuck noticed his mistake and kidnapped the Governor as well. Will could definitely be trusted with that - if not for the Governor's sake, then at least for his own: Elaine had threatened him with the most terrible things if he should abandon her.  
   
***  
  
About a week later, the _Black Pearl_ returned to Port Royal after having rescued Elizabeth and collected a completely exhausted Will from Mêlée Island. The young couple couldn't wait to finally be home again, which Jack didn't understand in the slightest. True, he hadn't spent several days in the company of Captain LeChuck, and his afternoon with Governor Marley now seemed like nothing more than a distant memory. But the sea would always call to him, even after a particularly pleasant voyage, and tempt him with new adventures: treasures to find, secrets to uncover, ships to plunder, Naval officers to torment... No, he would never trade a pirate's life for a husband's, nor his ship for a dwelling. No, not even the most luxurious palace in the world. If he ever came across such a palace, he would take what's in it (because one could not leave these things unattended, people might steal them) and then sail on with his _Pearl_.

As Will passed him by, clutching Elizabeth as though she continued to be in danger of being kidnapped, Jack grabbed his arm and winked at him. “In case yer still racking yer brains about it, the answer is,  _'How appropriate. You fight like a cow'_ ,” he whispered in the lad’s ear before he patted him on the shoulder, made some flippant remark about Elizabeth’s dress and returned to the helm, humming a tune Will and Elizabeth had never heard before.  
  
” _When the hip bone is connected to the rib bone…_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on 26th-Apr-2005 08:32 pm.


End file.
